Faux Pas

    Early this year, statistics report that Filipinos have improved English proficiency both spoken and written English.

Thanks to Choco for the free photo tutorial. I’ve been meaning to do this blog but my ignorance has been a big deterance.

the psychology of pinoy consumerism

pop quiz: which hav is the original?

answer:  the camouflage one. nah! just kicking your ass. it’s the stripes. kicked your ass again! both are fake.

         What is the mechanism of  product imitation? Simple. The cost of signature brands defy the basic law trade (cost of materials +15% labor  cost + 15% target profit) Signature brands require you to pay an additional 100%-500% for the signature itself . We make a product of identical appearance and price it following the law of supply and demand, and viola! A taste of luxury is given to the poor mass. Does this rob the company of its righful sales? You answer.

          Back in grade school, I was given a Jansport bag from the U.S. I was happy as using signature brands was a rare ocassion for a gradechooler like me. The early Jansport bags had a “made in U.S.A” mark below the brand name. The mark has been removed however, in its later product releases. A classmate of mine saw the mark on my bag and remarked “Hey your Jansport is a fake!” Taken aback from the accusation, I showed the tag inside the bag as proof of its authenticity. It seemed howver that this being was more ignorant than a paramecium and engaged in a debate that the “made in the U.S.A.” mark was proof enough of its falsehood. Despit all efforts, she remained unconvinced and even suggested that I color the white logo with a blue pen to camouflage the mark in the blue background. This was the time I was introduced to Pinoy consumerism.

           You see, Pinoy consumerism doesn’t stop to the signature brand too expensive-copy and imitate mechanism. We go a step beyond that. We internalize that our fakes are the real thing. This mantra follows the principle: “I think therefore I am”. As we brainwash ourselves, we gain confidence that our fakes aren’t just the real thing, we attack the original itself, and we condemn the original for trying to look like our imitations. It’s not a simple case of mistaken identity, it has become part of our psychology.

           A paradigm makes concepts easier to comprehend. The typical pinoy pscyhology is displayed in this scenario: Rich girl with original havs rides the jeep. Along comes girl with fake havs. Rich girl says out loud in her mind “Hmm, halatang fake (obviously fake)“. Fake havs girl says in her mind “Bumili na nga ng fake yung halatang halatang fake pa ( how could she buy a fake that is so obviously fake)”

resurrection

my blog has been revived. for an unexplainable amount of “thinking chair” thinking, I was able to retrieve my blog. It’s back and I’m locked and loaded

Starbucks is in Davao! (almost)

The moment I saw it, my coffee borne blood simmered as a shaman’s oil pointed at a suspected aswang. Yes, Finally Starbucks has reached Davao, exclamation point!

Consumer’s in Durian City has been, for so long, limited to the transient dehydrated ground Starbucks powder, packed and sold at the grocer’s. An added insult to this injury is that two of its outlets are accessible in the Luzon mountain province. Yes, the boondocks are regarded more coffee worthy than us. This is over-almost.

You see the coffee came here. Pure Starbucks frappuccino MINUS the seats,subtract the ambience, forget the barista with the “One _(enter coffee variety)_ for _(enter name here)_” in a DJ booming voice, and don’t even think about the coffee house, is here! Yep ONLY the coffee came here. At least you get the chic coffee bottles (they came in, bottles-mini milk bottles, not in mugs or paper cups). Is this an advance? Is starbucks slowly worming its way to the Davao market; First coffee powder then coffee in bottles? I don’t know. 

It’s up to you how to view this situation: be appalled or be jubilant. As for me, I’ll buy the coffee and do the barista voice “One frappuccino (in a bottle) for JP!” for myself until the real theng comes here.

(For information on where you can guzzle this liquid that has been deprived from you, post me a comment [kung asa mapalit ba])

Warning

I assume that you are financially able at the time of reading. Otherwise, this warning will be useless. If you are planning to buy a vehicle, and a second hand at that, be very careful. There is nothing wrong with used cars. This year’s car models are available in second hand car shops for a whole lot cheaper price. At a glance, these cars can be mistaken for brand new; heck, they might even seem newer than your car(if you have one)! So what’s wrong with second hand cars? It’s not the car per se, but the dealers.

An acquaintance has found themselves in quite a predicament after cops confiscated their 2007 model car. Four months after purchasing for half a million peso (ka-ching!), men in blue seized the unit as carnapped vehicle; its original owner brutally murdered. My friends found themselves in jail and fortunately go out with bail. Total expenditure for the legal process? P50,000. So what happened to the dealer of the car? Two days ago, in the local daily, the dealer has been bagged. But the question is: What happened to their money? More than half a million peso was gone with the Philippine justice and crime process. Until today, they are “pursuing” the said crook. The act itself is considered futile in our setting.

Moral? If you want to buy cars, buy it brand new. If you’re short on dough and need wheels bad, do your homework well and research the legality of your nominated dealer.

what ur parents know, a retort

Since the discourse of the clandestine is in array, I scoured things that you concealed from your parents, but your parents already know.  In addition to the presumed “secret” you keep from them, these are things already known to your parents:

·         your habit of watching porn

·         stashed kinky literature under your bed

·         sexually explicit DVD’s stacked together with the other boring DVD’s to create the perfect camouflage “They won’t find what’s not hidden”

·         an unpermitted trip with your friends

·         Your text lover, since the subject has made known your pretentious relationship to your mom

·         your break-up

·         your new relationship

·         your lover whom you introduced only as a friend

·         your would-be lover whom you haven’t got the slightest attraction yet

You feign innocence as your parents feign ignorance of your feigned innocence. This intricate balance of divulged secret kept secret is what makes a family.

“A house is made of brick and stone. A home is made of love alone” NOT! Love and lots and lots of secrets. (play the ‘Twilight Zone’ theme)

what your parents don’t know

It’s official. I have addicted myself to Sayonara Zetsubo Sensei, or has it addicted me? I’m drowning in its profoundly stupid portrayal of life’s irony.  In episode 6 Season 2, an imposing enquiry was tossed:

“What things don’t your parents know?”

Gangs you hang out with, drugs, pregnancy, right? Nah. They already know thanks to your neighbor.

These asinine yet factual answers were given:

·         Fashionable whatnots that would become passé after two weeks you bought from money you got from your parents for school items.

·         The murderous intent you have towards them for being parentally parents after a bout of scolding

·         Your old curtain or Christmas tree you accidentally burned

·         Money you stole from their wallet

·         The character you use online

·         A hole, a crack, a stain you made and covered with a poster

·         Loads of rice your mom packed for your school lunch that you threw away in the attempt to evade scolding. (A Tupperware of rice topped with 2 hotdogs, “how was I supposed to consume it?”)

·         Side dish you threw away because you disliked them and that you bought food from the canteen or the carenderia

·         The exact time you were born

Are these facts supposed to disappoint you? Again I declare ignorance. If I may add, your parents probably do not know: what www in www.crunchyroll.com means. By the way, that’s the link to this anime. Click.

Canine K9

“Life’s a bitch” I quote from jillions who mouth it on a daily basis. So common is this locution, it might as well be an axiom. If this querulous cuss is indeed true, then clarifications should be made before we lift of the taboo and embrace it as part of language. If life truly is a bitch, then may I be as to reasonably enquire, it would be rational to deduce that life is a dog; and a female canine to be specific. If life undeniably is a bitch, what breed does it belong to? Does “life” have its own breed, or does its pedigree vary, such as the case of its metaphorical object. Are we then, Poodles or German Shepherds; or are we all filthy mongrels? If life is without a doubt a bitch, then in appalling situations, am I aloud to call the world, a doghouse?

If life is undeniably a bitch, then what is “its” diet? Do we all eat dog food? Or are “life” and “us” separate entities? The answer to the latter is of primary importance, so as to distinguish our own diet from “life’s” hypothetical diet. If, say, “life” and “us” are theoretically separate, then our consumptions can be safely called “food”. That leaves us to ascertain “life’s” own nourishment. What brand does “life” prefer to chomp, Pedigree perhaps, or Alpo? Or does it prefer plain “lamaw”? Does "it" follow seasonal mating, or does it breed like humans do (anytime)? I would prefer the former.

More importantly, is life a female? Or does this display the long history of psychological connotation of the wicked relative to the female sex? I’m not sure. This blog doesn’t provide answers. But, what I’m sure about is naming my future puppy, “life”.

Disturbed

I found myself exuberantly guzzling Sayonara Zetsubo Sensei’s second season. Schumman’s Traumerei was given disturbing lyrics in its first episode. The animation says “This song is supposedly to make you want to go home”:

Soup made by a lady wearing catskin

I head to a neighborhood where all the old ladies disappeared

Tarts made by a lady wearing dogskin

Two shovels were sold at the hardware store

A hole as deep as a young man’s height.

I didn’t want to go home; I wanted nothing- the song has, by far, the most disturbing lyrics since Eminem. Many who cannot fathom deepness simply regard the profound, silly.  With this lyric, though, I choose to be stupid.

Mailicious

My email functions as an occasional terminus for malicious mails. Fifth time since January that I received mail from whoever promising me gazillions if I collaborate with their furtive modus. A common narrative of the stranger, who so unacquainted yet willing to trust me, is to use my account as a vessel for money transfer. As a reward for my would-be cooperation, I would receive a healthy sum of money. So healthy would be the sum, I could be the youngest retiree! Very tempting, I bribed myself. And that’s the end of it. Click. Delete

Breed and Whine

I reckoned the world slowly realized that child bearing isn’t our only purpose.  Generation to the next, families have produced fewer offspring and thus, greatly increasing chances and quality of education, work and financial security. Perhaps the world has overcome our genetic imprints of spawning, spawning and spawning. Filipinos, however, have reversed this trend and have gone back to the most primitive human instinct. The average Pinoy family today has gone back to having eight children. Some young couples even have ten; and worse, fifteen. What happened? Don’t blame the stork on this one.

Having too much children isn’t the problem. A woman on her 18^th child is on U.S. news the other day, and boy were people impressed. As long as everyone gets fed, educated, yearly checked-up etc., having numerous kids is fine. Our case is entirely different; however, as a family of nine kids gets to dine on two slices of pudding each. And American puddin’ isn’t Philippine pudding. The family’s hungry, dad and mom doesn’t have work, who do we blame for this misery? Of course, it’s the government. Nah-ah! Wrong answer. It’s your freakin’ organs damn it!

From hence forth, the Philippines should use the slogan ‘BREED AND WHINE’. This is in congruence to the inefficiency of the Catholic Church to define what really responsible parenthood is. If using modern contraceptives is in fact immoral, then what do we call uncontrollable breeding? They even banned condom commercials! Dogs have mating season, fish have spawning season, and Filipinos have everyday! And who, by the way, complains the most? You got it this time baby. It’s the people with the most children.

When you take a bite at your burger, 10% of what you paid goes to taxation deducted largely to inefficiently fund the ‘poor’, so that our sexually hyper neighbors may survive and continue to spawn more. When you receive your salary, you ready anti-hypertensives to counter taxation effects and wonder “where does my tax go?” Instead of improving this country’s quality, most of our money goes to the spawners, lots and lots of spawners.

Nothing’s really wrong with procreating, as long as you can feed your spawns.

BREED AND WHINE

Pinoys got talent

I like watching Oprah.  Oprah has this “bored” look that people love. She once guested a woman who hoarded 75 tons of shopped stuff in her house. She looked jaded, despite her "wows". She can be nonchalant, but she’s honest. Perhaps the charm of being unimpressed despite the extraordinary display is what people rave for. In a sea of melodramatics, indifference is coolness.

Charisse Pempengco on Oprah is finally out on youtube for Pinoy fans to see. It’s not complete; not even the interview was shown, but her rendition of Whitney’s “If I Don’t Have You” was shown in full.  Oprah raised her arms, while Charisse sang the chorus. Did Oprah sing along? Or was Oprah amazed? Or simply, did Oprah’s underarms needed air? I don’t know, but she said something noteworthy after the performance. It made my Pinoy spirit uplifted. To me, Oprah didn’t appear nonchalant; she appeared delighted.

Despair

When a man sees everything through a window of despair, the world can be pretty mangled. I’ve seen a short mini-series (13 episodes) anime titled “Sayonara Zetsubo Sensei (Goodbye Professor Despair). It’s not your traditional twinkle eyes anime. The show portrays how people have been complacent with a warped life that we ironically consider normal. It has an alternative style and totally not a cute kid’s anime.

There is an episode where a girl in the truest sense of obsessive compulsive tries to put everyone “in their proper place”. She argues that if a man earns (in converted currency) P6000, doesn’t have the right to own a plasma TV. In congruence to the statement, the salary left would only be enough to rent a room. Imagine a small boarding house room with a plasma TV.

It was utterly stupid to imagine because no Filipino would do such a crazy thing. But on second thought, we actually do! Many of us own absurdly expensive phones with features we don’t’ use or we absolutely have no idea how to use. Honestly, who has used their MMS to send pictures? Or who has ever sent emails using their phone? And seriously, have you subscribed to “the latest news delivered straight to your mobile!”? The phone is as expensive as it gets and spending another peso for its features would bleed our pockets to shock.

Extravagance has been part of our culture as rice has been to our meals. We essentially “save” money to buy novelty, even luxury. I don’t even think we know the true sense of “saving”. If we “save” to buy something, then we practically didn’t “save anything at all. Makes sense huh?

A Chinese once told me, a Chinese would only spend P1 if he had more than P10, but a Filipino would gladly spend P10 even if he only had P1.

Cannibalize

Cannibalism is a good thing. It depends, however, on which you consider edible and palatable. I have decided to cannibalize my students’ blunders and post them in this blog.

Hangul, or the Korean alphabet, does not represent most phonics available in English. This was the case in the old Philippine alphabet, Alibata (A-ba-ka-da-e-ga-ha-i-la-ma-na-o-pa-ra-sa-ta-u-wa-ya).  If you’ve noticed our old phonetic system lacked the letters represented in English as the letters “c”, “f”, “j”, “q”, “v”, ”x” and “z”. But since the Americans taught us English in colonial times, our familiarity with the English vowels is close to natural. There are some remnants though of our inefficient phoneme system like, “zero” is pronounced as “jero”.

Koreans suffer a heavier ordeal. Since most of English consonants are absent in their phonetic system, their English pronunciation suffers. Take the letters "f" and "p" in English is considered the same or is represented by only one symbol in Hangul. Ok, ok enough of the gibberish. Here are the examples:

me:                      “How’s your weekend?”

student1:            “I went to potty” (I went to a party)

me:                     “How did you go to the Philippines?”

student2:           “in eflayne” (in airplane)

me:                     “Is the word ‘imagine’, noun?”

student3:           “Hmm.. No, it’s a bulb”

me:                     “A what?”

student3:            “baaaalb” (ah…verb!)

me:                     “Have  you been to People’s Park?”

student4:           “Yes, the fuck is good” (Yes, the park is good)

me:                     “Good Lord”

Of course not all Koreans suffer this problem. Most young students who enroll in Philippine schools improve their English pronunciation significantly. Those who’ve studied English for a long time has gotten the hang of English pretty well. But I’ve got to say their tongues are good meat.

I can’t think of a title

More than a year of teaching Koreans and a kick of culture difference zaps my humor center to haywire. I have our “laugh at anything” culture to thank for when I deal with the foreigners. Our comical incidents could be from the mundane to the wacky.

Recently, my 25 year old female student whom we shall call, Medusa (No, she’s not vile nor does she posses cursed eyeballs. It’s plainly a whim) asked me a most common question guys receive on a daily basis: “Where can I get tampons?”  “Excuse me?”, I cleared. I was hoping my ears went to censored mode and her speech became Jaworski-like on TV. “Tampons. We use it when we have marstrition.”, she added. “Maybe you’re trying to say menstruation?” I clarified. “Yes, menstruation”. She maintained a tone of trivialness while conversing. Apparently, I deduced, that sanitary protection and menstrual cycles are part of guy-gal conversation. Culture, you gotta love it.

This conversation drove on to virginity issues, sanitary conditions, and even odor. I found it very uncomfortable; but since she made the topic frivolous, I maintained my own bored composure. Medusa added the information that tampons are more sanitary. “Hmm.. very useful information, if ever I get a period, which would be never!” Why did I put up with the topic? Simple, Medusa paid me to converse. Beat that.

She voiced her dilemma however that she couldn’t find tampons anywhere here. So, the mind boggling million peso question is: where the heck are tampons in Davao? Beats me. But, if anyone knows where Medusa can get them, post a comment. Seriously.

kulang

When the world was none and darkness was all that was, I wasn’t there. I was however at McDonald’s this morning; I couldn’t help notice how the price and size of Bigmacs has become inversely proportional. I propose that the Philippines call such snack, "smallmac". The name "bigmac" that refers to the snack has become insulting to the adjective ‘big’.

btw: How is big mac related to imac?